I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Three new airborne troops standing outside of the PX drinking cokes and talking about their first jump.
One guy said, "Man, I was first at the door and when Sgt. Johnson screamed "JUMP" my mind went blank until I saw the canopy above me - freakin' cool!"
The next guy said, "Dang, I was in the middle of the group and got more and more freaked out as I got closer to the door, but when Johnson screamed in my ear, I just closed my eyes and fell out somehow."
The last guy looked at his coke can for a second - "I was dead last in line and when I got to the door I just froze, my hands locked on the sides of the hatch. Sgt. Johnson screamed at me, "You don't jump, I'm going to have my way with you from behind."
Two guys were talking about stupid things they'd said and one guy said, "Get this: I decided at the last minute to take my wife with me to that seminar we had in Pittsburgh last month and we went to buy her ticket at the counter. The woman at the counter was a drop dead gorgeous sweet heart and build like the proverbial brick outhouse. I was so distracted I said, 'Er, miss, I need one picket to tittsburg." You should have seen the look on my wife's face! I thought I'd never live that one down."
The second guy laughed and said, "This one is worse. I was having breakfast with my wife the other morning, sipping at my first coffee and reading the paper, and I meant to ask her for the salt and I said 'Hey (w)itch, you ruined my life."
Sean O'Malley was driving home late one night and was stopped by the village constable. "So, Sean, I see you've had a few tonight." "Well, no, Kenneth, no more than the usual." "Well then, did you know that your wife flew out of the car at the last roundabout?" "Praises be - I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Two red necks, Joe-Bob and Billy-Joe are walking down a dirt road when they see a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. Joe-Bob turns to Billy-Joe and says "Well looky whut we gots here". Joe-Bob proceeds to take his pants off and has his way with the sheep. After he finished he turns to Billy-Joe and says, "your turn".
Billy-Joe takes off his pants, walks up to the fence and gets his head stuck.