Joining a band... an experience.

[Mojo]

I am currently gigging out as a solo acoustic set, and loving it. Sure, it would be great to have one or two other blokes with me on stage - I'd really like to have a percussionist and someone who can play the banjo and the mandolin for example. But my experience with playing as a member of a band has been sub-par in terms of the hassles inherent to the band dynamic gradually over-shadowing the pleasure of being a part of that band.

We all know the usual culprits: lack of accountability, people who are not prepared, people who are inebriated, people who "forget to show up", people who don't return gear that's been lent, etc... to say nothing of people with an ego the size of Texas.

A while ago, a local band whose material I really enjoyed lost their lead guitar player, and since I know the bass player quite well, I offered to join the band.

I had a condition, however.

No, it was not financial. It was not art-related either. And no, I didn't have a contract rider that stipulated in no uncertain terms that my dressing room should include a bowl filled no less than 500 M&Ms from which all the red ones had to be removed. Although I feel that it would have been appropriate - just kiddin'.

Anyway, my one stipulation was that our relationship as people could NOT, under any circumstances, be negatively impacted by my joining the band.

So when an audition was offered, before I even took my guitar out of the car, I had a talk with the band leader. I told him:

"I'm going to make this easy for the both of us. At the end of the jam, if you want me to join the band, great. If you don't want me to join the band, great. Let's have some fun and see where it leads, if anywhere."

I did get offered the gig, and I took it. It was very short-lived. I think we rehearsed maybe 5 times and did 1 gig together. At that gig, they also invited a violin player and the band leader decided that he would rather have a violin than another guitar in the band. He informed me of his decision and I thanked him for the fun we shared. He thanked me for not being a pain the behind.

Bottom line: we're meeting tonight he and I for drinks. He came to my open mic when I was hosting it, I went to see him play a live acoustic set in a coffee shop this week end.

Our relationship as people was not impacted by what could have been a negative band experience, because we *didn't let it*

Of course I was not happy to not be a part of the band anymore. I really enjoyed playing with those guys, and I loved the material. But seen through the *right* perspective, that of placing the relationship first before all else, we were able to navigate those circumstances peacefully and retain a friendship. If anything, I would say that our mutual respect is greater. They appreciated the fact that even though I was told that I was no longer a part of the band, I didn't react with flying F bombs and other fireworks. I appreciated the opportunity to play and the fact that the separation was handled in a respectful way.

Would I join a band again? I don't know.. But I do know that if I ever do again, it will be on the same terms or it won't be at all.

It takes two to be smart, and one to be stupid. I voted for smart, and I am grateful that they did, too

[469roadking]

Great post man!!

I've been in both situations myself. Great band that I couldn't stand being around. And great band where there was a brotherhood about the vibe.
Thankfully I'm again in the later situation. I've been with these guys about a year and a half and they were together about a year before inviting me in. I already knew and loved two of the guys and the other two quickly became family to me as well.

Solo playing has it's perks to be sure. Like choosing your own set, deciding when a song has stewed long enough to taste right, rehearsals and rehearsal space is quite a bit easier. And getting along with the band is easier although you never get a break from yourself.

For me there are three points that make it work or not work.

1) The jam - Do I really dig the music that we are trying to do and can the rest of the guys or gals carry their own bucket so to speak.

2) The hang - Are they fun to hang around with, get along with ect. I place a slightly higher premium on this than on their musical ability as I've played with guys that were phenomenal musicians and phenomenal butt cramps at the same time.

3) The purpose - Is the reason that we are doing this agreeable throughout the band? Just fun, make some cash, become stars, some higher spiritual reason. Most people have a combination of those things but there has to be an agreement to the seriousness of the endeavor or else hard feelings and foolish behavior will ensue.

You took the high road in and out man. Congrats on that. Being as aware as you are certainly put things in perspective and I'm sure helped everyone. It's good to see that everyone is still friends and has respect for one another.

But if I could offer one criticism it would be that you should have gone for the M&M's dude.

[wully]

Dunno about you guys but I'm guessing the reason that you are here is because playing is fun ( for me it is- but maybe not for anyone else in range..)
So being in a band must be fun times how ever many other band members there are.

One day, in my dreams, when and if I am good enough I'd like to be in a band- but I would stay well clear if i thought it would in any way lessen the fun I have when I pick up my guitar.

[Mojo]

BTW, I treat bar owners the same way. I'd rather salvage the relationship than get upset over a perceived or real slight.

[rayden44]

They're two different beasts really. When I'm in a band, I enjoy the "whole becoming greater than the some of its parts" side of it. When you all get on the same page and nail something or sometimes even just play it better than you did before - it's great. The other side of that is you can't control what's going on in the rest of the sound. If I left this band I would probably head up another one myself. Since I've never really been in one before, the singer is leading this one. But being a singer/harp player only (despite being a very experienced one), his musical knowledge is a bit lacking which is often a source of frustration. So I'm trying to gain experience too.

What I like about doing the recordings for the forum and being on my own is I play what I want. It doesn't give me that same feeling of the band nailing something, but I can try some different things that the band probably wouldn't go for. However I say with certainty I play better and more naturally when I have something to bounce off.

There isn't much of a blues scene in the city I'm in - we only got our own blues club in the last year or so. So we're still getting an idea of what's out there. I think our mix is pretty good so we'll have to see.

[pwfirst]

Great post guys, at my age I have been in several situations that all of you have posted. Mojo is dead on when dealing with bands and other players, don't burn your bridges. Put on your big boy paints and be professional. You never know when that just right group of guys will present it self with some people you have played with before.
RK had wonderful incite on group membership as well. Groups are very fragile and if you are not enjoying your time in the group it makes it tough. When you find the right group it is a blast.

[Mojo]

To me, it transcends the possibility of one day playing together again. When I met with the bandleader the other day for a couple of beers, it was a great time. Not only as musicians talking about songwriting, but also as people. Had I thrown a fit over a perceived slight, we would never have been able to sit down and share those simple moments. I consider him a friend. I consider this experience a success in my personal life - and believe me, my life is not a story of success, so I'll grab every opportunity for success and cherish it

I know I'm not preaching anything revolutionary here, but it's had a large impact on my life, and if it can help someone else experience an equally pleasurable experience, then I'm psyched. Sometimes, life *is* that simple

[469roadking]

In that sense (transcendent to musical relationships) then what we have here is a success in communication, and a universal truth. Relationships are more important than anything, period. If you "man up" during a real or perceived slight and salvage the relationship with your brother. Then it's a win/win. The question is "are you man enough to do it"?

It was rather late when I posted this last night so to avoid confusion what I meant by that is, as individuals are we "man" enough to suck it up and be big when it would really be easier to do or say something stupid.

[lesblues]

Feb 19, 2011 12:56:59 GMT -5 469roadking said:

In that sense (transcendent to musical relationships) then what we have here is a success in communication, and a universal truth. Relationships are more important than anything, period. If you "man up" during a real or perceived slight and salvage the relationship with your brother. Then it's a win/win. The question is "are you man enough to do it"?

It was rather late when I posted this last night so to avoid confusion what I meant by that is, as individuals are we "man" enough to suck it up and be big when it would really be easier to do or say something stupid.

No need for the edit RK, the message was clear. I think you are right. It is better to be "adult" about these types of situations, not always easier though.