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Post by melodeous on Mar 13, 2011 12:21:25 GMT -5
About newly blooded vets returning from a first tour and the emotional conflicts some, not all, grapple with. This is a departure for me from my usually fluffy stuff about love lost, gained or in limbo. I know these boards can be pretty vanilla and guarded about telling it like it is. Not looking for that. This recording has its clams but I'm asking for a "critical review" if you have a mind to and a few moments. I'm not nervous, self-righteous, or otherwise sensitive to honesty of any temperament. Thanks in advance. www.box.net/shared/0k5bbpes29Behold The Man One day left Going home Try to leave The beast behind Look around What to take A couple bags Of countless souls Think about What they know If they pry It's easier to stay Chorus 1 A little girl A sister’s love Her brother’s gone I’m all that’s left Mother knows Killer’s eyes A soldier’s son A father’s pride Try to fit Find a job Make it work I’ve got to try Meaningless Days and nights Trying to feel When I was alive Trembling hands Racing mind Troubled eyes Telling what’s inside Chorus 2 Giving up Moving out Better alone Hiding why I hide Mother knows Killer’s eyes A soldier’s son A father’s pride Outro One day left Going back The child is gone Behold the man |
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Post by foxglove on Mar 13, 2011 14:19:07 GMT -5
I totally love the guitar in that song! ;D
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Post by melodeous on Mar 14, 2011 19:01:50 GMT -5
Thanks foxglove. That's certainly the prize in the Cracker-jack box I wasn't expecting. No critical breakdown of the piece? Suggestions? Dislikes? No glass jaw here. Let me start - structure could be better, voice is kinda teen-ish, lyrical message a bit disturbing and bordering on stereo-typing of the "Father" antagonist, and stuff...
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Post by foxglove on Mar 14, 2011 19:09:47 GMT -5
Have to listen to it a few more times. Are you sure you want feedback? I have a diploma in writing so I can be a heartless bitch of a critic sometimes, lol. But I'll listen more and see what I can come up with. Don't worry, it's always constructive criticism.  |
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Post by melodeous on Mar 19, 2011 14:14:05 GMT -5
Have to listen to it a few more times. Are you sure you want feedback? I have a diploma in writing so I can be a heartless bitch of a critic sometimes, lol. But I'll listen more and see what I can come up with. Don't worry, it's always constructive criticism. Go for it. I minored in creative writing (can't'cha tell?) and majored in a subject requiring strong technical writing skills. That said, the who, what, when, where and why, with an audience firmly in focus, comprise the core of writing. Folks typically get that down pretty well when they swap stories with or without cognitive awareness of it. It's just basic, good communications. The classroom academics are really nothing more than the above elements present in good story telling and collected into various texts on the subject. Can't be any different because, historically speaking, good story telling far predates the halls of academia. If the story is good it doesn't require a degree to know it. |
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Post by pwfirst on Mar 19, 2011 22:17:31 GMT -5
I am in agreement, great song. Strong points. The guitar was unique and fresh sounding with just a hint of folk / Irish / sea fairing flavor. I liked it a lot!! The combination between the picking and chords was well balance and kept the interest going in the song. Words: slightly dark but not depressive, a dark tale is always more interesting to tell. What I liked is I could follow the story but the word arrangement and structure was short, concise but clear. Vocal. You have a very unique voice that blends well with this song. Only criticism is that it is just a little thin. Don't loose your quality though. Try and bring some depth up from your chest and less from your throat. (this is coming from a guy who can't carry a tune in a bucket) You have what I call a performers voice. This is a voice that people will want to hear and it is just different enough that it is not a me too voice. Weak parts: the ending left me hanging for something different.  |
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Post by melodeous on Mar 19, 2011 22:36:48 GMT -5
pwfirst, thanks for the concise review and the load of positive feedback. I do appreciate the dissection, compliments and your well-made points about the weaknesses. I have since revamped the structure a bit but have yet to record it as such.
Voice. Good call. I am rather distant and top-of-the-throat in this song. I'll try another recording and get some more chest into it.
Ending. Yea, right again. I struggled with this. The song is long already and I didn't want to saturate the audience with the melody any longer. The only change I've done is close the last line with two chords, D and Em, versus the sustained Em the original closes with. Any ideas/suggestions? I will try them whatever they are. Thanks again.
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Post by pwfirst on Mar 23, 2011 12:59:08 GMT -5
I am a song writer as well and always looking for help with my projects. It is easy give suggestions on songs you really like. Good luck with the song. When I post some of my songs feel free to be very honest with your thoughts. I always wonder what people really think of my songs and what can make them better. If I get some times I may mess around with the closing of the song, usually hard for me too on some songs..
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Post by bluesman52 on Aug 19, 2012 21:07:03 GMT -5
well im a younger guy but i am an exellent writter ive won many state awards for writing.. i liked the guitar deffinatly im gonna listen to the song a few more times but i do like it
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