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Post by 469roadking on Jul 13, 2010 18:21:16 GMT -5
A man goes Kodiak Grizzly Bear hunting with a single shot rifle. As he stalked through the woods he came to a large clearing and on the other side was the largest bear he had ever heard of much less seen and it was busy foraging and hadn't seen the hunter. With his nerves on end the hunter bent down to rest his rifle over a log to take his single shot on the monster. As he bent down his knee rested on a dry twig that promptly snapped with a loud pop. The bear hearing the noise snapped to attention and whirled around in the direction of the hunter. Their eyes met for one terrible surreal moment and then like freight train the bear charged the hunter. With his heart racing and his breath coming in heaves he raised his rifle to try and steady for the shot. He heard the loud crack of the rifle but the bear in a blur was on top of him. He had missed. With one giant paw on his chest and the other poised to take off the hunter's head the bear was about to claim his prize. It all seemed in a tragic slow motion of terror to the man. And in a flash, through his confusion, the answer came to him. He cried out to God and said "O God, I know I've never spoken as much as a word to you in all these years, but if you could just do this one thing for me, please...uh...uh..uh ...MAKE THIS BEAR A CHRISTIAN....... And the lightning flashed across the sky and the clouds parted revealing a singular beam of bright light that rested on the head of the bear. The bear bolted upright as straight as a board with eyes looking reverently at the sky.. and folded his paws and said aloud....Lord I thank you for this food I'm about to receive......
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Post by pwfirst on Jul 13, 2010 19:36:31 GMT -5
Finally the true color of this forum comes out.
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Post by leerummey on Jul 14, 2010 10:36:11 GMT -5
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
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Post by leerummey on Jul 14, 2010 10:39:14 GMT -5
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
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Post by Mohikanas on Jul 14, 2010 15:22:33 GMT -5
:DD Ok this one is about hunter and a bear too. A man decided to go hunt bears. While walking in the woods he sees a large bear, he aims his rifle... pulls a trigger- and he misses a bear... Bear noticed the guys failure, took him to the cave- raped him, and let go... Hunter felt very angry about this humiliation, took another aim- pulled a trigger - missed. Bear repeated the same process and let him go... This time the hunter was furious and decided to finally kill that bastard bear- took another aim- pulled a trigger - missed again... The bear turns to the guy and sais: "You didn't come here to hunt don't you... "
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Post by Mohikanas on Jul 14, 2010 15:28:32 GMT -5
Another one. Rabit was walking in the woods, and saw a bear that got stuck in a pit and can't get out. "Now I can do anything I want with this animal, he cannot reach me..."- thought a rabit. Whole day a rabit was swearing on bear, spiting, peeing, swearing again. Then he decided to let him be... "hell no, I'm going to poo on him still"- rabit told to himself, got back to the pit, bent over to poo and fell in himself... Rabit stood against a bear and said: "B-b-bear? You won't believe me.. I came to apologise"....
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Post by lesblues on Jul 15, 2010 3:00:18 GMT -5
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Post by leerummey on Jul 15, 2010 12:49:58 GMT -5
nice one les ha ha  |
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Post by leerummey on Jul 15, 2010 12:57:05 GMT -5
parental warning strong language (lol) the late great mike reid
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Post by lesblues on Jul 17, 2010 10:54:57 GMT -5
another Scottish funny, from the tv program, "chewin the fat"
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jay
Full Member
Posts: 103
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Post by jay on Jul 31, 2010 23:38:02 GMT -5
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
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Post by 469roadking on Aug 1, 2010 20:55:55 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Happy Jack on Aug 3, 2010 2:19:47 GMT -5
How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
Three, a left ear, a right ear and a final front ear
Old ones are the best
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Post by leerummey on Aug 3, 2010 11:47:52 GMT -5
oh come on hj u can do better than that ......... surely  |
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Post by Happy Jack on Oct 16, 2010 14:47:59 GMT -5
This is a 100% honest to God true story - and it can be verified by LesBlues when he comes to see me
After dog training one night we went to our local pub which is a sort of local dingy dim nothing happens pub
Seemed pretty normal all the usual guys were in - a couple of guys in there late 60s - we will call them Carl and Geoff for now were in but not stood at the bar as usual but sat in a corner with a few other people
So me and Jan are stood at the bar with one of the dogs.
Carl comes to the bar and orders some drinks followed by what looked like a fairly tidy looking woman in a short black dress
She comes straight over to the dog and says "what lovely woof woof" but in the gruffest deepest voice I have ever heard
I turn and look at her and she has hands like a bricklayer, size 13 feet and an adams apple like a cricket ball - obviously a man dressed as a woman and doing a pretty good job of it
She strokes the dog and walks off to the toilet and in typical HJ style I say
"The f**k was that?"
Carl at the bar replies
"My f**king son - the freak"
HJ for once was lost for words ....................
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